3 Science-Backed Ways to Build Real Confidence | The Confidence Question Ep. 3

All right, so you need confidence, but you don't want to fake it. Surface-level motivation. So instead, here are 3 science-backed ways to actually build confidence starting today. I'm Dr. Tyler Hales from Newport Beach, and I'm on a quest to answer the confidence question. Let's get into it.

Let's start with the first one. Confidence doesn't come first, it actually comes after proof. Psychologist Albert Bandura actually found that confidence is built through what's called mastery experiences—basically small wins that prove to your brain you can do something. So earlier this week I was getting ready for this podcast and I was working out with my brother. Now to understand this, you gotta understand him. In my family, we joke that he's the golden child. He had straight A's, played Division I lacrosse. The kind of guy who just seems to have it all together. And if you're going to pick one person who should naturally be confident, it would be him. So I asked him, where do you get your confidence?

And without hesitation, he said, "I don't think I'm actually a confident person." And then he started to explain why. All the ways he feels like he's not enough, the things he still questions about himself. And I remember standing thinking, if he doesn't feel confident, what does that say about the rest of us? Then he said something that really shifted everything for me. He told me really the only time that he feels confident is when he looks back and he sees how much he's improved. And that was the moment, because I had always thought that confidence came first, that you needed to feel ready before you acted. But what he was describing was the opposite. Confidence doesn't come before action. It comes after. It comes from doing something enough times that you can finally look back and say, "I'm better than I used to be."

And it made me realize something. No matter who you are or how successful you look or how put together you seem, everyone is dealing with some level of self-doubt. Confidence isn't a personality trait. It's a byproduct. It's built through repetition, through experience, through doing things when they feel uncomfortable. And over time, what once felt uncomfortable starts to feel familiar. And that's when confidence shows up. Not at the beginning, but along the way. So it's like the gym. No one walks in on day one feeling confident. You feel out of place, unsure, maybe even a little insecure. But then you keep showing up. You put in those reps. And over time, something shifts, not just in how you look, but in how you see yourself. You start to view yourself in a completely different light, one that is confident. So if you're waiting to feel confident before you start, you're doing it backwards, which leads us in the second one.

One of the fastest ways to build confidence is actually borrowing it from other people. This is actually backed by something called social learning theory. Our brains use other people as proof of what's possible for us. So when I first moved to California, I assumed I was in the center of cosmetic dentistry. If someone wanted veneers, this is where you go. I was caught off guard when one of my close friends actually told me they were flying to Arizona to get veneers done. I remember thinking, why would anyone leave California, go to Arizona for cosmetics? It didn't make sense to me. So I looked him up. At that point, I hadn't done a single veneer case, but as I was going through his work, I felt something I wasn't expecting. It wasn't skepticism, it was respect. The level of detail, the consistency, the results. And then, if I'm being honest, it turned into something else—comparison. I remember thinking, he's operating at a level I'm not even close to yet.

That was the moment, because I had a choice. I could ignore it, or I could lean into it. I went home and I told my wife about it, and she said something simple: "If you can't beat him, join him." And so I did. I called him and I joined his mastermind group. I remember walking into the room for the first time, surrounded by some of the top cosmetic dentists in the country, and feeling completely out of place. I hadn't done one veneer case yet, but I also knew something: if I wanted to become that level of dentist, this is where I needed to be. Because for the first time, I wasn't just imagining that was possible. I was seeing it. And once you see that level, once you realize what's actually achievable, you can't unsee it. It changes your standards. I saw that Brian Harris was doing, and I realized something. That doesn't have to be him. That can be me. Comparison is inevitable, and how you use it is a choice. Most people use it to feel behind. The confident ones use it as fuel. Instead of getting jealous, get curious. What are they doing? What can you learn? And how can you take it even further? So be really intentional about who you're watching, because it's shaping what you believe you can do.

And the third one, and this might be the most overlooked, not all encouragement works. There's actually research in psychology that shows your brain resists statements it doesn't believe. That's why generic affirmations don't always stick. You can tell yourself, "I'm amazing," all day long, but if you don't believe it, your brain pushes back. So my grandma tells me all the time that I'm the most handsome guy on Earth, that I look like Tom Cruise, and I love her for it, but it doesn't build real confidence because I know she's biased. But when a patient flies across the country to see me, when they tell me my work is the best they've ever seen, that hits differently. That creates real confidence because it's earned, it's believable.

The truth is, our minds are wired to resist confidence. You don't wake up in the morning thinking, "I'm incredible." You wake up thinking stress, responsibility, pressure. So what do we do? We borrow belief. Self-affirmations can bring you back to a level you've already experienced, but if you want to grow beyond your current confidence, it usually comes from external proof—real results, real feedback, real people. Confidence isn't built from empty words. It's built from believable evidence. And when you step back and you look at it, confidence isn't something you're born with. It's something you build. You build it through proof. You build it by raising your standard through the people around you. And you build it through belief that's actually earned. So if you've been waiting to feel confident before you take action, don't. Start building evidence instead. Because confidence isn't the starting point. It's the result. Remember, this is a lifelong journey, so be easy on yourself, and I hope you join me on my quest to answer the confidence question.